A blog dedicated to the New York Mets with some other baseball thrown in.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

More Irrefutable Facts About Chuck Norris

The news has been reduced to the Best of MLB's Mailbags and Piazza's career stats in case you are in capable of going to ESPN.com. With that in mind, I'm going to my ace in the hole. Chuck Norris facts. Go ahead. Try and refute them. You can't.

1) Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick years ago was the tool used by the state of Texas to execute people. George W had to quit the use of it because it was too awesome of a way to be executed. It was so awesome that the murder rate spiked for a few years because people just wanted the chance to be roundhoused by Chuck. Chuck was enraged by W's decision so much that he roundhouse kicked his mother Barbara to death. The Barbara we see today is actually an android.

2) It wasn't the chicken or the egg. It was Chuck Norris.

3) In his spare time, Chuck Norris breeds thoroughbred horses by manually inseminating the females with his own semen.

4) If Chuck Norris snorts cocaine, the cocaine gets excited.

5) Contrary to popular belief, Mary was not a virgin. Chuck impregnated her and the result was a bearded man named Jesus that could walk on water and turn stone into bread. He could not, however, throw a proper roundhouse kick. Chuck abandoned them and denied that Jesus was his son by proclaiming that Mary was a virgin. Everyone listened, because he is Chuck Norris.

6) When you walk outside and aren't eaten by dinosaurs, you can thank Chuck Norris for killing them.

7) The Titanic didn't sink because it hit an iceberg, but in fact it ran into Chuck Norris while practicing his underwater roundhouse kicks.

8) And on the seventh day Chuck Norris told God, "I'll take it from here."

9) When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

10) Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

* * *

  • Pedro is still playing it by ear.

    As for participating in the World Baseball Classic, it's anticipated Martinez will have to play it by ear.

    "The guy is very loyal to his country and the people there," Conti said. "I know he wants to pitch in it, but he has to see where he is first. I don't think he'd do anything to jeopardize his Mets season."

  • Ummm...no.

    "I know they've already indicated to me that if things work out well here, there could be a future beyond this season, but right now, it's not important," he said on ESPN News. "I just want to go out and prove that I can play here and contribute here. I've been so blessed in my career. I've had my share of highs, so to speak. I've been very blessed. So anything from here on out for me is a bonus. It's sugar in the icing, you know what I mean?

    "So I have a great attitude as far as anything past this season. But I want to stay healthy this whole season and contribute as much as possible, hopefully to a winning season and a playoff season."

    With an eight million dollar option, you have no future there unless they turn it down and resign you.

  • Looks like the Wilpons did not exactly do their research when they hired Art Howe.

    Describing the frustration of General Manager Billy Beane after the Athletics' 2002 playoff loss to "the clearly inferior Minnesota Twins," the book's author, Michael Lewis, wrote that at such times, Beane would make a trade.

    "But there was no player on whom his mind naturally fixed," Lewis wrote. "The only person in the organization whose riddance would make him happier was his manager, Art Howe. It wasn't long before he had a novel idea: trade Art."


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