John Sterling Is A Hack: Part II

Christmas is finally over and despite not starting shopping until the 22nd, I kicked Christmas shopping in the testicles, punched his mom in the uterus, and gave them the finger. It was like when Neo figured out the Matrix. All turned out well in the end and just like every other year this time, there is just about no news. So I figured I would go back to my ace in the hole and just make fun of the Yankees.

It is no secret that I think John Sterling is the suckiest suck that has ever sucked when it comes to color commentary. He is the homer of all homers. He is the worst color guy in the history of civilization and rivaled only by John Tesh at the Olympics. Let's recap:

"It's another A-Bomb for A-Rod" or "Alexander the Great"
"The Giam-bino"
"Bamb-Tino"
"Bernie goes boom" or "Bern baby bern"
"It is high, it is far, it is gone!!!!!!!!"
"Jeterian plays" or the occasional "Jeterian swing"
"Thuhh-uhh-uhh YANKEES WIN!" (after they beat the Devil Rays while leading them 20 games in the standings with ten games to go.....can't he just reserve it for games that warrant this)
"I'm not big on stats" (no shit, your dumb....and in relation to that...) "We've got you so many numbers. What do they mean? Nothing!" (except they do)
"A Jeter jolt!"
"Back to back and a belly to belly" (this one is just so ridiculous on so many levels)
"Robin becomes Batman"
"Jorgie juiced on"
"It is high...it is far...it iiiiiisss....foul.." or "It is high...it is far...it iiiissss....caught on the warning track. I thought that thing was gone. Anyway, blah, blah, I'm a hack. Blah, blah, I touch kids..." (more on that later)
"A thrilla..... from Godzilla"

Perhaps no announcer is as tiring, as repetitive, and predictable. He makes calls before they happen and ends up being completely wrong on far too many occasions. Then there are times that a play happens and it takes him twenty minutes to process the information and relay it to the listeners on the radio. Few things in the world are as vomit inducing as his broadcasts and there were Red Sox vs. Yankees games I've been interested in checking out while driving, but was simply unable to rid myself of that feeling of nausea and therefore skipped the game.

Before I get to the real order of business and the point of the post, while looking up his hack calls, I came across a message board full of them and people having discussions about this. I did run across a particular telling post that lets us all get a little more insight to John Sterling.

Here's something that admittedly is not a regular quote at all, but I include it because it just shows so many aspects of Sterling's on-air personality, particularly the whole salty/corny dichotomy. I may not have the wording exactly, but you'll get the idea. At one point several years ago, Jorge's little son -- the cute little guy who had the problem with the plates in his skull fusing too soon, if I'm not mistaken -- was at the Stadium, and Sterling was gushing about how cute he is.

"He's just a delicious little boy ...," Sterling said, sending my girlfriend into laugh spasms.

But then he added the coup de grace: "... And I know little boys!"

All perfectly nice and innocent, of course, but John has just a touch too much of the old weird uncle thing going on to pull it off.

To this day, some people I know continue to refer to nearly anything good that Jorge does as "delicious."

If that was just one instant, I would have left it alone.

Oh-- and another Sterling gem... I don't remember the game, but when a Yankee batter struck out, Sterling exclaimed that he'd just been "spanked like a petulant child" by the pitcher.

Umm, yeah. Not much I can add to that. Enough of that and back to real point of the entire post, what is he going to call Johnny Damon? The newest mega-star of the best franchise in the history of universe certainly lends himself to the prospect of being part of lots of Sterling's hack calls, but as of now, we can only speculate to the depths of hackiness that Sterling will reach.

"Damon goes deep": Simple. It is not nearly hacky enough, but a possibility nonetheless.
"Johnny on the spot": Not only is this hacky, and I believe it was hacky enough to actually have graced the back pages when he got signed, but very likely.
"Johnny Damon is my homeboy": Not likely and especially not likely since he is a little less Jesus and little more poster boy these days.
"Damon is delicious": We know his affection (or perhaps affliction) when it comes to young boys, especially petulant ones, and his desire to use that adjective when speaking out young ones and Johnny Damon does looks like a young tyke with his new look.
"Johnny jacks one": He could say this as it would certainly be hacky enough if repeated every time Damon hits one out, but it could double as a fantasy of his with Damon and his first love, small children (especially delicious petulant little boys).
"Damon does it again": Much more broad and something he could use anytime Damon contributes something positive.
"John the Ripper": Named after a password cracking program, Sterling could do what he usually does and copy something else or make an obvious twist on something to put his hack signature on it.

There is a world of possibilities when it comes to John Sterling’s hackiness, he just needs to reach out and grab something and repeat is nauseatingly throughout the season. Godspeed John.

* * *

The Blue Jays are going for the AL East. They are on the verge of acquiring Troy Glaus and near Major League ready offensive shortstop Sergio Santos for Miguel Batista and Orlando Hudson. Good deal for both teams.

Scott Boras finally got the contract he wanted for Kevin Millwood two years ago proving that there is no justice in the world.

The Orioles could be stepping up their game to make the AL East a lot more interesting.

According to two industry sources, there were preliminary discussions between the Orioles, Cubs and Oakland Athletics on a three-way deal that included Tejada, Orioles lefthander Erik Bedard, Prior and Oakland ace Barry Zito heading to new homes. The Birds would get Zito and Prior, the Cubs would get Tejada and the A’s would add Bedard. But that type of complex trade takes time and is at best a long shot.

Though a long shot, it's an interesting scenario.

BP's Year in Quotes has plenty of gems.

"It's kind of ridiculous that you get a 10-game suspension for steroids and a six-game suspension for milk."
--Dodgers pitcher Brad Penny, after he offered $500 to a batboy to drink a gallon of milk in an hour without throwing up. The batboy was suspended for six games by the Marlins (Miami Herald)

That is so right, but so wrong at the same time.

"And I miss looking that pitcher in the eye. I can't look my son in the eye when he's throwing me a Wiffle ball and say, 'I'm going to rip one off your forehead.'"
--former A’s infielder and current sports radio talk show host F.P. Santangelo, on what he misses about playing professional baseball (Sacramento Bee)

Why not?

"The only thing that keeps this organization from being recognized as one of the finest in baseball is wins and losses at the major-league level."
--Devil Rays GM Chuck LaMar

Ummm, not so much. It goes a bit deeper. Is anyone else not confused why this guy has no job?

"If I'm going to get chased around the shower, it's going to be by my wife."
--Twins manager Ron Gardenhire, on how he won't shower in the clubhouse with Johan Santana and Carlos Silva around (Minneapolis Star-Tribune)

An interesting picture to say the least.

"You cannot buy a World Series ring on the streets. Ask Alex Rodriguez, he's got millions of dollars and no rings. That's why I say, 'God bless Derek Jeter. He's got a lot of money and a lot of rings.'"
--Guillen (Los Angeles Times)

ZZZZZiiiiinnnnngggg!!!! Suck it A-Rod.

"That's manly. Journey is manly. Why is Journey not manly? I heard Joe Theismann say on the radio that Journey was his favorite group, and Theismann was pretty manly, wasn't he?"
--White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski, when asked why they didn't choose a song that's manlier than "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey (MLB.com)

No. It is not manly, but don't stop believing AJ...don't stop believing.